Chrysanthemum Stigmata

So lately I’ve been trying this thing called self-control. Where in the past I’d just throw myself into what I’m feeling, now I just really don’t want distractions from chasing after God. 

Ok, I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve been kinda crushin’ on someone, teehee. I’ve been able to keep the hormones at bay most of the time, but lately I’ve been having dreams, certain images by others when being prayed for, and other coincidences that I’m weary to associate them with certain someone because the devil knows my weaknesses as much as God does. And even if yeah he is a pretty Godly man, I’m hesitant to act on these things because the situation is possibly being used against me by the enemy to distract me from my walk with God. And at this point I’m keeping my eyes on the prize, and if He sees fit to place someone beside me while I’m running to Him then so be it. But let my eyes be forever focused on the Lord. 
  
Yesterday afternoon (I had slept most of my day), I prayed as I was waking up for more discernment from things of the enemy and things of the Lord. I also prayed for a verse to strengthen me in following his way. I don’t know every verse in the Bible, so when God told me “Psalm 119,” I was pleasantly surprised. Psalm 119 is really long, so here are a few that stood out to me:

How can young people keep their way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
    do not let me stray from your commandments.
I treasure your word in my heart,
    so that I may not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O Lord;
    teach me your statutes.
With my lips I declare
    all the ordinances of your mouth.
I delight in the way of your decrees
    as much as in all riches.
I will meditate on your precepts,
    and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
    I will not forget your word

                        Psalm119:9-16

Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes,
    and I will observe it to the end.
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
    and observe it with my whole heart.
Lead me in the path of your commandments,
    for I delight in it.
Turn my heart to your decrees,
    and not to selfish gain.
Turn my eyes from looking at vanities;
    give me life in your ways.
Confirm to your servant your promise,
    which is for those who fear you.
Turn away the disgrace that I dread,
    for your ordinances are good.
See, I have longed for your precepts;
    in your righteousness give me life.

                        Psalm 119:33-40

You have dealt well with your servant,
    O Lord, according to your word.
Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
    for I believe in your commandments.
Before I was humbled I went astray,
    but now I keep your word.
You are good and do good;
    teach me your statutes.
The arrogant smear me with lies,
    but with my whole heart I keep your precepts.
Their hearts are fat and gross,
    but I delight in your law.
It is good for me that I was humbled,
    so that I might learn your statutes.
The law of your mouth is better to me
    than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

                                    Psalm 119:65-72

Your word is a lamp to my feet
    and a light to my path.
I have sworn an oath and confirmed it,
    to observe your righteous ordinances.
I am severely afflicted;
    give me life, O Lord, according to your word.
Accept my offerings of praise, O Lord,
    and teach me your ordinances.
I hold my life in my hand continually,
    but I do not forget your law.
The wicked have laid a snare for me,
    but I do not stray from your precepts.
Your decrees are my heritage forever;
    they are the joy of my heart.
I incline my heart to perform your statutes
    forever, to the end.

                                    Psalm 119:105-112

Let my cry come before you, O Lord;
    give me understanding according to your word.
Let my supplication come before you;
    deliver me according to your promise.
My lips will pour forth praise,
    because you teach me your statutes.
My tongue will sing of your promise,
    for all your commandments are right.
Let your hand be ready to help me,
    for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord,
    and your law is my delight.
Let me live that I may praise you,
    and let your ordinances help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek out your servant,
    for I do not forget your commandments

                                    Psalm 119:169-176

slip slip
its a slippery slope
sliding down grasping
no grip
just air
you’ll find out who your real friends are
they live at the bottom of that bottle, in that text message from that guy you met last night, and your hella down girlfriends that support that side of you, because that’s who you find there in the hole you dug for yourself.
at least while you’re going down there’s a party there with you,
making the most of the night like you’re going to die young
you’re among your kind
with the same vices
so they understand you
and you never feel alienated or alone
except when the party’s over

and oh here’s some prayer
but go help yourself
you’re not in the in crowd yet
you need to work yourself out first before you’re part of the special crowd.
so hey, your real friends will accept you though, remember them?
at the bottom of that bottle, where we’ll all sin together like a family. 
and you try to tell yourself these are lies, lies, lies, but you hear them enough to think maybe you’re just deluding yourself.
that you belong in the hole, because you dug it yourself.

Sometimes the semblance of love can be found,
and it shines and gleams like acrylic glass,
that when it drops, it doesn’t break;
pretending to be diamonds,
unlike the paltry glass stones from times you’ve forgotten.

So, convinced of it’s authenticity and in awe of it’s beauty,
you spend your all on it,
take out debts you can’t repay on it,
throw in your soul for collateral
and sign you name to the contract,
because surely this late night infomercial certificate of authenticity says that it wont turn your skin green so it’s okay.

So quick to jump 
because only 500 easy payments of $29.99 seems like a great deal
and you can’t pass this up, cause God must have gave us such a perfect opportunity for a reason
And all your friends have bought in to the deception as well so they tell you to go for it.

And then it comes in the mail, and what you saw on t.v. is nothing like it is. And you blame everything and everyone and especially yourself for being so stupid to sign away your soul to that guy in The Killers’ song. 

And in the end you think you’re left with nothing but a jaded heart and a spirit of mistrust.

But that too is a lie.
You’re now equipped with
the power to look deeper than surface levels to discern the truth;
the power of strength to jump hurdles that seemed impossible a year before;
the power to empathize with others;  
the power  to help those who are going down the same road;
and the power to trust you will get through whatever you face because real love is in your corner